Of frailty and of loss
If there is any group of people in the world who ought to understand human frailty, it’s the genealogical community.
We see it all the time.
In the records of our ancestors who struggled mightily.
In the mistakes they made.
In their missteps, their errors of judgment, their failings.
In everything they ever did that we know they wished they hadn’t.
In the demons they confronted, and fought, and sometimes lost to.
And we hope we understand how very real those struggles were, how very hard they tried.
Because we see it in ourselves.
In our own daily lives.
In the mistakes we have made.
Our missteps, our errors of judgment, our failings.
In everything we have ever done that we wish we hadn’t.
In the demons we confront, and fight, and sometimes lose to.
Sometimes we see the origins of our own struggles in the records of our ancestors. The torments of the great grand uncle, brother of my great granddfather, who died in the Texas State Asylum may well help explain my generation’s battles with depression and mental illness.
Battles we have sometimes won, emerging into the light after long journeys in the darkness.
Battles we have sometimes lost, as we lost my sweet cousin Meredith to a darkness where she could see no light.
Battles we continue to fight, all of us, every human being, every single day.
Battles that we sometimes lose.
Rest in peace, Robin Williams. Your fight is over.
And the rest of us will try to soldier on.
Excellent post, Judy – thanks for addressing this. It pains me to see some of the critical comments that people post behind the anonymity of their computers. If only it were more socially acceptable for us to talk about depression and mental illness and feelings of suicide as easily as we talk about one’s blood pressure… 🙁
Every single family, everywhere, is impacted by depression, anxiety, or some other form of mental illness. We can bury our heads — and bury our loved ones — or we can acknowledge it and try to fix things. It really is as simple as that.
And the rest of us WILL soldier on! Beautiful tribute for us all!
We will indeed. Even when it’s hard. Even when it hurts.
People who have not experienced clinical depression cannot truly understand that in that context suicide can become an impulsive act, a momentary seeming solution to unbearable pain. While the impulse may resolve an hour, a day, a week later, at the moment it’s irresistible and it’s possible affect on others is lost in the impulsive drive. While the act may seem to others to be a planned, purposeful act, in reality it isn’t, and, the lives that end in this way can seem outwardly perfect to others unaware of the ongoing struggle with the disease process. The saddest part is that while the desperation is often passing, of the moment, the act, once done, cannot be undone. Rest in peace, Robin.
We can only hope a loss like this will help people to be more aware of the struggle, Laura.
Beautifully said, Laura. Thank you Judy, for posting this. It is so important.
Let’s hope there is some good to be found in such sadness.
Beautifully written. Thank you.
Thanks for the kind words.
Thank you for this beautiful and heartfelt tribute to Robin Williams and to all who have “struggled against the darkness” and continue to do so. My own 2nd great-grandmother was one of those who lost the struggle, as did my best friend’s brother, a sweet and promising little boy who eventually succumbed to depression and alcoholism.
May we remember these lost friends and family – and Robin Williams – with love and compassion.
Love and compassion will go an awfully long way, Anne… let’s hope we can all remember that.
Judy,
Excellent commentary. I am a professional genealogist, and I am very aware of what you say about lessons learned.
I have been to that “darkest of countries,” and the only way to describe it is that there was an overwhelming despair and isolation. The only thing seen was tunnel vision.
I posted on Facebook about not wanting to read anything judgmental about Robin Williams or anyone else’s suicide or attempted for that matter.
You are absolutely correct. We need not back down from intelligent, caring conversations about this. The ones who experienced this, if they are able, should be those who openly discuss their experience[s]… shedding light in to the dark chasm.
Thanks again for writing this.
The reality is that, although people should be able to openly discuss the issue and their experiences, even in our community there are those who pass judgment, without compassion.
Thanks, Judy. Excellent!
We do need to talk about depression and accept it as a disease, just as we do heart disease, cancer, etc. Some insurance companies don’t accept depression/or mental illness as a disease. Check your policy – does it limit you to x number of mental health doctor visits? Can you imagine the uproar if cancer patients were only allowed x number of chemo treatments??
Until we can all talk about depression the way we do other diseases and let people tell their story, it just won’t get better.
My grandmother committed suicide, my mother attempted to take her own life and others in my family have suffered from depression. One member had to tell the doctor he was suicidal, even tho he wasn’t, in order to get into the hospital and get help, otherwise the Dr. would have sent him home. That’s nuts and until we all accept it as a disease, including health care providers, we won’t get anywhere.
I am deeply saddened by Robin Williams death, but perhaps his greatest legacy just might be getting everyone to talk about depression, getting insurance companies and health care providers to accept that it does exist, so we aren’t compelled to push this insidious disease under the rug.
Not just as disease but disease without stigma, Ann. That is soooooo important.
Thank you for your beautiful, thought filled words. It is with kindness and compassion and awareness that we can help. RIP Robin we will never forget you.
Kindness. Compassion. Awareness. From your keyboard to everyone’s minds, we can hope.
My family has suffered and continues to suffer from depression and anxiety including myself. We have lost several family members to suicide.
Many years ago during a long stretch of severe depression, I had lost all hope and I was at the point of ending my life to escape the pain, I called the Suicide Hotline. A woman answered and I told her how desperate I was. Her reply was, “There isn’t anyone available for you to talk to. Can you call back tomorrow?” It made me so angry, so ANGRY, that, if for no other reason than stubbornness, I would not end my life.
While this sounds hard to believe, it is true. Now I laugh about it. Years later I found a doctor who worked with me to find the right medication which makes all the difference.
Rest in peace Robin. I am so sad to lose you.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but glad you found your way through to the light. So many… so very many … don’t.
Judy, thank you for the kind words. Each and everyone one of us, past, present and future struggle and you said it wonderfully.
I just read James Taylor’s Facebook post –
https://www.facebook.com/JamesTaylor/photos/a.121906447832172.13685.112984765391007/834094853279991/?type=1
Thanks for the link. Taylor’s post is what we all feel.
Amen, Judy. Thank you for this essay.
Thanks for joining in.
Vesti la Giubba (Put on the Costume) from Leoncavallo’s opera “I Pagliacci” is one of the most famous tenor arias of all time:
Act! While in delirium,
I no longer know what I say,
and what I do!
And yet it’s necessary… make an effort!
Bah! Are you a man?
You are a clown!
Put on your costume and powder your face.
People pay, and they want to laugh.
And if Harlequin shall steal your Columbina,
laugh, clown, and everyone will cheer!
Turn your distress and tears into jest,
your pain and sobbing into a funny face – Ah!
Laugh, clown,
at your broken love!
Laugh at the grief that poisons your heart!
There is a good reason why the symbol used to represent the theater since the time of the ancient Greeks has been the twin masks of comedy and tragedy. All actors learn early on that comedy is a serious business, and really only one short step removed from tragedy — two sides of the same coin. They see how in life the gift of the ability to make people laugh walks hand in hand with deep feelings of insecurity and depression. Perhaps that explains why it has always been easier for comic actors to take on dramatic roles, than for tragedians to play comedy. Robin Williams wore both masks brilliantly and spread a lot of light in a dark world. If only that light could have overpowered the darkness within himself. May he find the peace he was looking for.
“the grief that poisons your heart” — an all-too-accurate way to describe it.
♥ BLESS YOU, JUDY.♥
Thanks, my friend. We all have our struggles. All of us.
People who have never been depressed often have no clue. Generally speaking people do not commit suicide as a momentary or impulsive act. In fact most people who commit suicide are not at the bottom of the trough….they are usually at a higher point and have begun slipping back to a place of pain and terror that they end their lives rather than face that pain again. They are often people of extraordinary courage and strength. I cringe every time someone calls into question their motives. Robin, like thousands of others did not want to die—he just could not take any more pain. Those around him have been exceptional in their lack of judgement for his choice and I applaud them for that. Those in a lifelong struggle with leukemia or some other debilitating disease probably know what he was going through. The rest of us should recognize the courage it must have taken to stay with us in this world so long when it was so very hard for him. Thank you Judy. And thank you Robin. Those who think he just needed a different medication or different treatment may not be familiar with the fact that some forms of depression do not respond well to any existing treatments. Think cancer and you will have an idea that some are treatable and respond well and others not. Many kinds of depression are short lived or easily treated. I seriously doubt that Robin fell into that category. Obviously no one should advocate suicide— but please do not misunderstand either. Apologies in advance for my prickliness on this issue.
You’re not being prickly, Kelly — there are a lot of people out there (think the idjit from Fox News) who just don’t get it. They don’t understand, they can’t understand. They haven’t been there… and have turned away from those who have.
Thanks Judy. I don’t often comment on such personal issues but this one definitely hits a nerve. Suicide is very complicated and the generalities that are often bandied about even by some mental health professionals do nothing to educate people. Its like death–people are so busy avoiding it they do not take the time to understand. It is also important to know that there is a subsection of those who commit suicide that are not depressed at all. My mentor who had AIDS for many years had made arrangements for his suicide long before he committed the act. He do so when his life was becoming a nightmare, not because he was depressed. He talked openly about his plans and no one that knew him would have tried to change his mind. I also knew of an elderly couple both in ill health one with cancer and they chose to leave this world together. Who are we to judge? I know another person whose father suffered from Polio for decades. At some point life became untenable—again who should judge? Let us have compassion while others walk among us and as they leave us. We know not where their journeys have taken them…..
Kevin thanks for your reply as well.
Kelly
Worth repeating: Let us have compassion while others walk among us and as they leave us. We know not where their journeys have taken them…
Thank you very much for your insight and excellent writing on this topic, Kelly! You touched on so many points that should be known and discussed.
Well said, Judy! Such a loss!
Excellent post, Judy! Truer words haven’t been spoken (well, written)!
Renate
Thanks, Renate. This is something that touches us all.
What a wonderful tribute to Robin Williams and to our ancestors & family members who have struggled. We look into the past hoping to find these wonderful, happy people. But, sometimes we find rapists & murderers, like I did recently. And, sometimes we find those who have committed suicide, like a friend did recently. People are human and they act like humans.
My heart aches for Robin Williams & the pain he must’ve been suffering. And, of course, for his family & loved ones. What a painful loss!
Definitely a painful loss.
Thank you Judy for these hearfelt and compassionate thoughts. Yes, we genealogists, especially, should understand human frailty. I find when I begin to understand the lives of some of our ancestors, the struggles and difficulties, I have to step back and ponder their lives from a different perspective. I wish I could thank them for perservering.
I am working on a family narrative now with mental illness on both sides affecting multiple generations. We cannot change the past but we can learn from it to make today and tomorrow better.
Another comment worth repeating: We cannot change the past but we can learn from it to make today and tomorrow better.
Excellent, Judy. My own daughter has struggled with depression and I’m sure depression played a part in my husband’s early death although he did not choose the path Robin Williams did. It is a heartbreaking disease. Robin Williams gave us such joy!
So many of us, and so many of our loved ones, are affected, Kay. So many.
My mother’s father, a first cousin, myself, several of my children, my sister-in-law’s mother and her two brothers… No shortage of severe depression in and around my family, ending in suicide for several of those individuals. To feel the depression lift, and lift enough to be able to think and to feel ‘normal’ – there is so much relief when that happens. Eventually I was able to actually feel good, joyful, happy, content, and feel that way all the time! I continue to find it an amazing experience, to live without the deep bitter-blue/black blues. Robin’s death has opened doors for many people to talk about this much-too common disease. Your post was very touching – thank you for putting your heart out on the line for us all.
Thanks for the kind words, Celia. This terrible ailment impacts so very many of us, so very deeply.