Before the now-adult child tests
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”
— Edward Fitzgerald, Omar Khayyám
There is one unavoidable essential truth of DNA testing: the truth will out.
Time and again, we are reminded by the genetic genealogy community that:
DNA test results, like traditional genealogical records, can reveal unexpected information about the tester and his or her immediate family, ancestors, and/or descendants. For example, both DNA test results and traditional genealogical records can reveal misattributed parentage, adoption, health information, previously unknown family members, and errors in well-researched family trees, among other unexpected outcomes.1
The testing companies tell us the same thing. For example, 23andMe warns that:
In the process of learning about your genetic makeup and comparing that with others, you may discover relatives who were previously unknown to you, these could be relatives you’ve been looking for and are excited to connect with or relatives (sometimes even close relatives like brothers or sisters) that you didn’t know existed. Your genetic profile can also lead you to other, distant branches of your family tree.
In a similar way, genetic information can also reveal that someone you thought you were related to is not your biological relative. This happens most frequently in the case of paternity, where someone learns that their biological father is not who they thought it was.2
Genetic genealogist and blogger Kelly Wheaton says it as simply as possible: “It cannot be repeated enough, anyone considering a DNA test should be prepared for an unexpected result. If you aren’t ready for the TRUTH, do NOT take a DNA test! DNA simply reports what is there and doesn’t care what we think or want.”3
But here’s the catch: these warnings are directed to the person thinking about taking a DNA test. And sometimes that person doesn’t have a clue that there’s a secret hiding in his genes. That he is adopted, for example. Or — as was the case for a reader this week — that the now-adult child was donor-conceived.
The parent who contacted The Legal Genealogist this week after an adult child decided to take a DNA test “for fun” was in agony. Angry and terrified. Concerned for what the test the now-adult child had taken would say about the family the parent had created. Wanting the law to step in and prevent these tests from being offered, to protect the secrets the parent had chosen to keep all these years.4
The reality is, that’s not going to happen. These tests are perfectly legal, and — as sympathetic as I might be for the very real, almost tangible fears of this parent — the desire of a small cadre of parents who have kept secrets from their children to continue to keep them will not change that. Every individual has a right to his or her own information, and DNA tests give us a way to get to data hidden in our genes.
But if the now-adult children of non-disclosing parents choose to test, the simple fact is: the truth will out.
An adopted child will not be matched to other members of his or her adopted parents’ families the child expects to match. Cousins or aunts and uncles who “should” match won’t. A donor-conceived child will not be matched to other members of the non-biological parent’s family. A male child who chooses the YDNA test expecting to be matched to Smiths will certainly know something is awry if the test shows he is matched only to others with the surname Johnson.
These are the unexpected results that the genetic genealogy community and the testing companies warn about. The adopted child will likely find matches to relatives of his or biological parents already in the databases. The child of a sperm donor will be matched to relatives of the sperm donor if they have tested; the child of an egg donor will be matched to relatives of the egg donor.
In short: the truth will out.
I’m not going to get into a debate over whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that some parents chose not to disclose to their children the reality of their origins. The reality is, as the poet Edward Fitzgerald notes, the moving finger has already written that part of the families’ story.
And whatever the parents’ reasons were, once the now-adult child has chosen to test, the truth will out.
There are some very good reasons why the truth should out. The most basic reason is health history. Every adult needs to know as much of his or her own health history as possible, and an adult child from whom the truth has been concealed may not even know that the health history being provided to the doctors is wrong.
And it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that a child who is adopted or donor-conceived may find himself or herself attracted to someone who turns out to be far more closely related biologically than either of them has any reason to know.
I’m also not going to get into a debate or even a discussion as to how any family should or might disclose the truth to a child now. I’m a genealogist with a law degree, not a psychologist or family counselor. I can only urge any family facing this issue to seek counselling and whatever help the psychology folks can provide in navigating these difficult waters.
And I’m not going to get into a debate over the legality of DNA testing. Millions of people have chosen to test, for reasons ranging from idle curiosity to a burning desire to connect with kin, and the rights of adults to their own information will not be abridged because a small minority is afraid of what the tests will show.
But I will continue to sound the alarum5 for everyone who is even thinking about DNA testing. And for every parent who has been keeping a secret from his or her now-adult child.
Be aware, if you test, if that now-adult child tests, if the now-adult child of your adopted or donor-conceived child tests, that the truth will out.
SOURCES
- ¶ 12, Genetic Genealogy Standards (http://www.geneticgenealogystandards.com/ : accessed 5 Aug 2017). ↩
- “What unexpected things might I learn from 23andMe?,” Customer Care: Before You Buy, 23andMe (https://customercare.23andme.com/ : accessed 5 Aug 2017). ↩
- Kelly Wheaton, “Dealing With the Unexpected Result,” Beginners Guide to Genetic Genealogy, Wheaton Surname Resources (https://sites.google.com/site/wheatonsurname/home : accessed 5 Aug 2017). ↩
- Out of respect for the privacy of both parent and child, I will not disclose any details of identity here — not even gender of parent or child. ↩
- Not a typo. Look it up! ↩
The worst experience I’ve had as an admin was having to tell a participant, and his cousin, the results did not match our surname project. He later told me not to worry about it. After having a long talk with his mother, she admitted he was adopted.
Joy
When I began researching my ancestry, my Father told me the truth, he was adopted. Many years later and, sadly, after my father’s death, I was tested and eventually found my father’s long lost birth certificate (he never saw it). Information on that certificate led me to a census record that confirmed what little my father knew. He did indeed have two brothers, Roy and Peter. I do not regret researching the paternal grandfather that I knew. I loved him dearly and am glad to know his history. I am now also happy to know more about my actual grandparents and their families. I consider the DNA tests that I took (FTDNA, 23&Me and Ancestry) interesting and enlightening. They helped me find my father’s long lost family in records.
Yours is certainly the other side of the testing equation, Barbara, and one that cements the reasons why DNA testing is, and will remain, a perfectly legal option for those who wish to pursue the information the tests disclose.
This is so true and I’m glad you posted this! Just last week, I found out about a 1st cousin none of us knew existed. Mind you, I was hoping for surprises, excited about surprises that I might receive as a result of DNA testing. My family? Very accepting of this new first cousin/niece, excited to find that my uncle (who died in 1983 in a tragic event) had a daughter none of us knew about. It was something none of us dared to dream was possible.
I did not think I would receive this kind of a surprise through DNA testing and I’m thrilled that I did! But not every person would feel the same way. So your reminder is a timely caveat and I agree 100%.
Yours is the kind of story that seems to be more common, Wendy: a disclosure that was unexpected, but not unwelcome. But my heart aches for those who thought the secrets would be kept forever and don’t want them disclosed — yet the disclosure is inevitable once the adult child decides to test. Hope any family in these circumstances gets counselling to help.
Absolutely. I hope those families can and will communicate, and seek the assistance they need to work through these discoveries together.
As I told my newfound cousin, as happy as all of us are, I know her adoptive family is for all intents and purposes her family. They reared her. They were there to love her and care for her. That certainly does not change because she has discovered biological relatives, and I respect that completely.
My thoughts definitely go out to those who have a far more difficult time with these matters.
Absolutely. I hope those families can and will communicate, and seek the assistance they need to work through these discoveries together.
As I told my newfound cousin, as happy as all of us are, I know her adoptive family is for all intents and purposes her family. They reared her. They were there to love her and care for her. That certainly does not change because she has discovered biological relatives, and I respect that completely.
My thoughts definitely go out to those who have a far more difficult time with these matters.
Had at least 3 surprises.
1. discovery of 2nd cousin and now trying to figure out how to inform her birth mother (her son had been informed and he is trying his best to tell her)
2. 2nd great grand Uncle having another child before marriage and it was determined who was birth mother (not the wife we knew) and tester was very gracious with process of discovery involving her grandmother the child.
3. Identification of unknown 2nd great grandfather, the rapist which solved the mystery of my Native America DNA that I never knew I have despite all the paper research. Just ONE DNA match solved it, only the French Quebecois would have Native Americans in their background. Mother was delighted to know it proved the family tale.
There are surprises in every family — every one, without fail. The question is what we do about them — and how we handle them. It helps a great deal when we’ve thought through the possibilities in advance.
Very recently received the results back on a first cousin who just tested. He had a “close family to 1st cousin” surprise match. I checked my list, and the new cousin showed up as a “1st to 2nd cousin” match for me, but I had thought he was probably on the other side of my family. The new cousin didn’t respond to an Ancestry.com inquiry – hadn’t been on since late last year and had no info in his profile, no tree. Tried emailing a googled fellow with the same name, and hit pay dirt: he was my guy – his mother had been in my cousin’s area in the mid-1940s and discovered she was pregnant after returning to her Midwest home. He didn’t learn about this until he was college age (though he’d had his suspicions that his dad wasn’t his dad), and promised his non-biological dad he wouldn’t talk to his mom about it. When he tested, the big surprise, after being raised kind-of Catholic, was to find out he was half Jewish! The new cousin is delightful, though I don’t think my cousin will be exactly pleased with the surprise. In fact, since he took his test more as a favor to me, he may not even be interested in hearing about surprises (based on what he said when I asked him to test). Should be interesting. Luckily, the new cousin, now in his 70s, said he wasn’t interested in hooking up with his new half-brothers as he has a great family. He wants to know the history.
Wanting to know is a driving force for so many people, Natalie. I’m sure that’s the case for the now-adult child, even if it was initially “just for fun” or curiosity. Hope all the families impacted can rise to the occasion here, and get any help they need in doing so.
While DNA is making it clear that a lot of people have kept secrets throughout the generations, not all “surprises” come from DNA. Some come from old-fashioned paper documents — like one of my ancestor’s other sons who showed up in a court record. Or the mid-life baby that showed up in later censuses, not earlier censuses. DNA is more personal, and and at least some of the secrets may be more recent, but the principle is still the same. If you do family research, either through records or through DNA, expect some surprises.
My son’s wife is adopted. Her Mom and Dad never hid it from her. They provided excellent education and now she just received her RN license. We were talking and she wants the DNA test to try and discover her real family, but on the other hand, she is afraid her adopted parents might find out that she was looking and thinks it would break their heart.This is where she might really want to discuss this with a counselor before jumping in and then feeling guilty.
Since she already knows she was adopted, (her adoptive parents having been REAL parents/family to her) to refer to those who gave her life as her BIRTH parents/Birth-family, rather than as her REAL family… ?
Both biological and adoptive families are REAL. Parents of more than one child don’t designate one as REAL and the others as something less. Adoptive parents need to avoid contaminating their adoptees thinking with their own fears. The best outcome for adoptees is when we end up with more than one family to love and are loved in return.
The terms used are not all that important. The relationships, meaningful and otherwise, are.
Wow, does this hit home! I have a first cousin (adopted) who did not know he was adopted until he was going through papers after the death of his father. Interestingly, all of his first cousins (14 of us) knew and had been threatened with dire consequences if we ever told-and we never did. He developed severe psychological problems as a result. I feel very strongly to this day that his parents made the wrong decision.
The surprise I got with a 23andme test was in 2011, during the window that they were reporting on all the health risk data that they had access to. The email notice of my results came with a caution to have someone with me when I opened it. I couldn’t imagine what that was about since I’d only done the test for ancestry research. When I opened it, there was the notification that I had the BRCA 1 mutation, which certainly explained my breast and ovarian cancer 30 years prior. It was a shock, but I was glad to finally know why I had been diagnosed at such a young age. That result is not currently reported by 23andme after their kerfuffle with the FDA, insisting that people should have genetic counselors present when they get such info. That’s ridiculous – people have the right to their own information. I was later asked to participate in a 23andme study about how clients respond when getting that kind of information, so I felt really good about contributing to that. Later on, as 23andme data is accumulated and results are updated accordingly, I received notification that I have a small percentage of Ashkenazi Jewish in my background, which goes a long way toward explaining the BRCA 1 mutation.
I always ask people if they saw the movie The Color Purple-when Ms. Celie says “Pa ain’t Pa”.
Genetic genealogy has opened up a new world for adopted adults: a world where truth is sacred, a world with no lies.
The science of autosomal DNA has become an incredibly empowering way for adopted adults to learn the truths about themselves. Genetic genealogy has given us the chance to by-pass state legislatures that have erected long standing barrirers keeping us from learning any truth. DNA testing has enabled us to break the strangle hold that the states have had on us for the last 60 years. At last we hold the power to decide for ourselves whether or not to seek the truth. We no longer have to worry about getting permission from social workers, judges, lawmakers, adoption agencies, or birth parents. I thank all the gods in heaven for the wonderful people who have made this scientific advancement available to all of us.
While I’m very strongly in favor of adoptees having access to their information, I’m also very strongly in favor of allowing birth parents to make their own decisions on whether or not to have contact or any kind of relationship with the children they gave up for adoption. In other words, I think the right is one to know, not to have a relationship. Sometimes that line gets blurred.
This is precisely why giving adult adoptees unrestricted access to their original birth certificates, together with contact preference (not veto) filed by the mother, should be enacted in every state. By refusing to pass access bills, legislators are virtually guaranteeing that mothers’ alleged (though not legally documented) “confidentiality” will be breached, thanks to DNA matching. In fact, it guarantees that extended family members from several generations may be brought into the search before the mother is even aware. Giving the adoptee access to his authentic birth certificate makes it possible to discreetly learn his genealogy, and the preference form filed by the mother takes the guesswork out of whether or not she would welcome contact.
I am a firm believer in giving adoptees access to their original birth certificates, but in giving birth parents the right to decide whether to allow contact. The right to know who we all are doesn’t include the right to have a relationship with other family members, no matter what the biological relationship may be — even in so-called “intact” families.
Judy and Jo,
I completely agree with the adult child’s right to know and the parent’s right to make a decision on future contact. My question is in regard to Jo’s last sentence. If the mother makes a decision based on her circumstances at the time she may well change her feelings as year’s pass. Should their not be – or is there – a way that the mother or child can make that known in a way either an find it?
That’s an excellent question. If other state forms are like the contact preference form for Maine, the no contact option includes this: ” I may change this preference by filling out another contact preference form. I have completed this contact preference form and a medical history form and am filing them with the State Registrar of Vital Statistics.”
http://maine.gov/dhhs/mecdc/public-health-systems/data-research/vital-records/documents/pdf-files/Contact-Preference-form.pdf
So that would give her a change-of-mind option and tell her how to do it. It is presumed that the Registrar would follow through with a letter to the adoptee informing him/her of the change.
You know my story Judy and I’m really glad that the truth came out at last – it explained so many things that didn’t quite add up. At first I was shocked at the lies but now I also appreciate it was the times in which they lived and things you didn’t talk about. I’m getting unexplained matches so who knows, I might even end up with a name and a whole new line of genealogy to research. Thanks for your talks/blogs that helped me to understand this whole new area of research.
The truth surely will out, Shauna — and your case proves it.
Just happened upon your blog and love this first (to me)post! So true.I consider myself lucky to have always known my truth. I am the product of an affair and have known my entire life who my biological father was although we never met. He wanted nothing to do with me as he was afraid his wife would leave him if she discovered I existed. In my 20’s I dove headfirst into researching both sides of my family tree. In January I finally did my own DNA through Ancestry-anxiously awaiting the results and hoping to find more relatives on my paternal line. SURPRISE!!! I found a female first cousin on my mother’s side instead. It turns out my uncle fathered a child several years before meeting his wife during a very casual fling while living out West. He never knew about the pregnancy and the baby was immediately placed for adoption. She and I have become great friends and I am happy to report my uncle, his wife and their three adult children are happy and thankful to have this “new” family member.
It’s always good to know that these surprises aren’t always unwelcome! Glad your cousin has found her answers.
Absolutely correct, but please! Adopted *children* are not taking DNA tests. They are adoptees or adopted adults or people who were adopted as children. Calling us “adopted children” maintains the false perception that we never actually grow up, and by extension that makes it okay to keep secrets from us.
Every child remains a child forever to the parents who raised the child. Fighting over the terminology is a waste of time.
I really appreciate your practical take on this issue. I agree with you. I even have two big DNA surprises from the past few months – a previously unknown first cousin adopted at birth who dethroned me as first-born grandchild, and my Grandpa (not bio, but Grandpa all the same) discovered this past week that his dad wasn’t his dad. DNA can definitely bring surprising information to light, but truth is truth and hiding it brings unintended consequences too.
You have one of the best blogs out there. Love your writing style and how you present information.