Once upon a time
That’s the way all of the fairy tales of The Legal Genealogist‘s childhood and youth began.
And, at the end, it was always “…and they lived happily ever after.”
Except that not all fairy tales had happy endings.
The Brothers Grimm had some truly horrific elements in some of their stories: a young woman forced to drink wine until her heart burst and then her body hacked into pieces; a stepson decapitated by his stepmother who then cooks his body in a stew and serves it to his father; even the evil stepsisters of Cinderella with their eyes pecked out by doves.1
And, alas, in real life, a lot of the stories that begin once upon a time don’t conclude with happy endings.
The problem is when we go into it thinking, expecting, wanting and hoping that they will end that way.
Nowhere is this more of an issue, more of a concern, than in the case of unknown parentage, when genealogists and genetic genealogists set out to reconstruct an unknown family using the clues hidden in our DNA.
Having so many people who have DNA-tested is making it easier and easier to embark on a search for unknown parents, or surrendered children, whose sealed records in the past made it difficult if not impossible to find. The problem is… the search doesn’t always result in what we might hope for.
There cannot be a person with an unknown parent situation who doesn’t want and hope — deep down inside — to find the happy ending at the end of the search. To find the sweet and gentle parent who has been searching for that given-up child and loving that child every day they were apart. To find the siblings who welcome the lost into the fold with open arms. To find the extended family who open hearts and homes.
Or, from the other side, to find the child who had the wonderful adoptive family, who is now a success and happy, who will accept the parent and the parent’s family with love and forgiveness.
And it simply doesn’t always happen.
There are, most assuredly, many searches in unknown parentage cases that do end with absolute story-book happy endings.
But nothing about life comes with guarantees. For every publicized case where an unknown parentage searcher finds an amazing relationship with a parent or sibling, there is another case — often unpublicized — where the end result is bitterly unhappy.
Where the parent who is found never wanted to be found, doesn’t now wish to be found, doesn’t want any contact with the child, doesn’t care, may not be psychologically capable of caring, may have mental illness issues, may simply be too old and too tired and too set in his or her ways to absorb the disruption in life that the search can cause.
Where the family that is found is dysfunctional, needy, selfish, even just downright mean, the very antithesis of the family in which the searcher was raised.
Where the facts that surface as the result of the search are simply horrible: rape, incest, even murder, all of the very dark aspects of the human condition that can and so often do lead to a birth or surrender of a child for adoption.
Where, looking at the other side, the child who is found is the one with the not-always-expected issues. Mental, medical, psychological. Where the surrender “for a better life” didn’t result in anything resembling a better life. Where anger and grief are the driving forces behind the search.
And — on either side — the higher the hopes and expectations, the harder the blow if those hopes and wants are dashed in the end.
As one who was raised in an intact family — dysfunctional in many ways, but intact — I am not going to tell anyone in an unknown parentage situation not to search for answers. I join with those who believe that every person has a right to know his or her personal history.
But I have seen enough as an observer of the search community, the genealogical community and the genetic genealogy component of that community, to know that there are still too many people who push forward into a search without taking the time to truly stop and think about what they may find when the search is over.
To consider the potential for disruption in people’s established lives — and the fact that some are not and never will be able to cope with that.
To consider what may really lie at the end of the search road.
To sit, perhaps, with a counselor and review the pros and cons.
To get help with understanding the point of view of the person on the other side.
And in even more cases than we may hear about, to be able to absorb the blow when a parent who is found says — and some do — “I never wanted you, I was happy you were gone, I don’t want you in my life now.” Or, on the other side, to absorb the blow when a child who is found says — and some do — “I hate what you did to me, you owe me, I want you to be as unhappy as I am.”
Every story of unknown parentage begins with “Once upon a time…”
But only some end with “…and they lived happily every after.”
No-one should set out on the searcher’s road without being truly ready for whatever may be found at the end of that road.
SOURCES
- See Jesse Greenspan, “The Dark Side of the Grimm Fairy Tales,” History in the Headlines, posted 17 Sep 2013, History.com (http://www.history.com/news/ : accessed 28 Jan 2017). ↩
Very well written and exactly those thoughts I had as I searched for my birth family. We had been separated for 65 yrs. and just this past Sept. we found each other. I was nervous and scared that she wouldn’t remember and would reject me. That’s not the case with our finding each other. She not only remembered me, but she knew my name and had pics of me with our mom on the day I was relinquished. She had missed me for 65 yrs. and welcomed me with open arms! We have spoken every day since Sept. 30, 2016 and are planning our reunion in April. Sometimes, stories do end happily. I happen to be one of the lucky ones.
Glad you have a good result, but everyone who searches needs to be prepared for a different ending.
I need to add that the find was my eldest sister. We have another brother and sister that we hope to find. Hopefully that meeting will be as successful as ours. I was adopted with another sister who is struggling with this find and reunion. She is holding back and skeptical. We are giving her the space she needs to absorb all this new information.
Very powerful statement that all should consider.
Thank you. It needed to be said.
It is also essential that those of us with adopted family members respect and support their decisions to search or not search. Am I curious about my husband’s birth family? Of course. But I am not the one making the decision. My interest is academic. His is anything but academic. And he has all the votes.
Excellent point as well. This decision, to search or not, is intensely personal.
As usual, you have a way with words that cuts through the fog and makes the issues very clear.
I hope everyone who is thinking about commencing an adoption search reads what you have written and then takes the time to really think about what they hope to achieve through their search, including what they will do, and more importantly, how they will feel, if things do not turn out as they had hoped.
As with a DNA test, once the adoption genie is out of the bottle, no one can put it back inside. Any pleasant dreams of what might have been will be swept aside by the potentially harsh glare of reality. This is not a possibility to be pooh-poohed and lightly brushed aside, but needs to be given serious consideration before starting out on the journey.
The Genetic Genealogy Standards make it clear that careful thought should precede the testing… but we all need to keep reminding everyone that testing can cause issues as well as resolve them.
Has anyone seen a study of the probability of a happy ending? In the deep recesses of my mind I have a figure of 85%. I don’t know from whence that came or on what it was based. The main thing to remember is that we should all try to be respectful adults as we decide to wade into or avoid this highly emotionally charged genetic quagmire.
Since it is inevitably going to be self-reported, I’d treat any study with some skepticism, so yes… keeping in mind that this is always a highly emotionally charged genetic quagmire is thoroughly advisable.
Hi Judy…I am the mother of 3 adopted children, 2 of whom have closed adoptions. When DNA testing became popular, my first reaction was to have each kid tested to learn of their ethnicity. “How cool,” I thought. But, in the next several minutes I realized the complexity of that choice. One birth mother was particularly clear about not wanting to ever be contacted. DNA testing and matching would potentially violate that trust. I am not sure at what point my children can take the DNA plunge without the possibilty of hurting other people, but I will let them make that decision when they are adults. It is a very difficult decision for all…both birth families and adopted families. This post was right on…lots of things to think about. DNA is just so darn exciting, we sometimes get ahead of ourselves!
Thanks for this additional insight, Amie. It’s certainly a challenge all the way around.
As I read posts on Facebook’s DNA Detectives and other places, I ride a roller coaster, feeling joy for those whose reunions with birth parents go smoothly, and sadness for those whose attempts for reunions are rejected. I can’t imagine how that feels. DNA testing companies would be doing everyone a favor if they directed people to your post before selling them a test kit!
The companies do warn people — but also want to sell kits. It’s tougher for them than it is for the rest of us…
I was the researcher that put two and two together and found my half-aunt without a DNA test. My grandmother had a, “one night stand” with a young man on his way to Germany and WWII. My half-aunt was the result. My grandmother never mentioned it to her other three children until later in life. When I put two and two together and realized that I accidently found her, it was very difficult to share with her what her life would have been if my grandmother had kept her when she married my grandfather. My grandfather was not a kind man. My grandfather would not marry my grandmother unless she gave her daughter away. He used the knowledge of another, secret sister to keep, “my grandmother in line” the rest of his life. He was also an alcoholic and threw his children out of the house at age 18 or just after they graduated from high school. It was difficult to tell her that her birth mother was dead. There are so many questions that will never be answered. My father accepted her, my aunt struggles with the relationship. I suppose my half-aunt has some closure in her life. It definitely was not a fairy tale ending.
Thank you for sharing another side of the story.
Many years ago I was contacted by a woman who was convinced that I was the daughter that she had given away. She had the right day, city and hospital, but the wrong person. It was a very hard conversation for me, to try to convince this woman that I know who my parents are (I look like both sides of my family), and I could tell that she was incredibly hurt that I was not accepting her as my mother. I hope that she eventually found the child she was looking for.
I’ve been searching with DNA for nearly two years, and feel that I’m getting closer all the time. I find that it is helpful to have realistic goals in this, and one of them is to be able to someday find photos of all eight great-grandparents. I’m 61, so all of them would have lived in the era of photography. While my half-siblings may not want anything to do with me (if I find any), chances are, I can find some of their second cousins who have the pictures I seek, who are not bothered by what a relative they never knew did to bring me into the world.
I certainly hope you find what you are looking for, and that it brings you peace.
I have come very late to this post, directed by my wonderful Search Angel after a much undeserved tantrum unfortunately headed in her direction.
I always knew I was adopted but only found out the full truth last year at the age of 59; I went overnight from being an adopted orphan rescued by my adoptive parents to being an illegitimate baby taken in by my mother’s family. So I suddenly discovered I knew half of my family and absolutely nothing about the other side; I found I had half siblings and first cousins, none of whom knew anything about the family I knew; I came to realise that my birth and the secrets hidden meant these people had been deprived of their family, my birth mother and her sister were cut off from their maternal family, just to ensure my birth remained a secret.
Did this deter me? Unfortunately not, I was determined to find my half siblings and my cousins; to reunite us, to heal the damage done. I saw myself as having the brothers and sisters I had always wanted, explaining we had been separated but we could be together now, being happy ever after.
I’m sure you have guessed by now that it didn’t work. I had no idea that my mother had married shortly after my birth, that she’d met her husband when she was pregnant with me and that he had offered to marry her and take me on as his child. This gesture may have been accepted by many families, marrying off the pregnant girl and the husband taking on the baby sounds like an ideal solution but this was the 1950s and my mother’s future husband was newly arrived in England from Jamaica. I’m ashamed to say that my racist family saw this as being totally unacceptable but there was also the fact that my great grandmother had already decided an “available baby” was ideal for her daughter and husband who couldn’t have children of their own and my mother was convinced this was the best option for her child.
When I met my half siblings, I really wasn’t expecting that they had been told by their father that our mother gave me up, so never be surprised if she gets rid of you too; that one of my half brothers had been sectioned for most of his life; that two half sisters had long standing drug and alcohol problems; that when our mother and their father inevitably broke up, that my other half brother had chosen to live with his father in case our mother did abandon him; that my other half sister had married a man just like their father. The stories were endless and I felt like they were all my fault.
We met once, it was lovely, I felt like I really did have family and it would all be wonderful but when I wanted to meet again, there was always a reason why we couldn’t but it would be soon but it never was. One day I was told that one of my half sisters I had never met had died and I should be at the funeral. I was in work 40 miles away, they only told me the day of the funeral and claimed they only found out that day. I needed to be there, it was about family, about respect. I didn’t go, it just felt wrong; my half sister called me, they were drinking after the funeral, paying their respects; my social media was buzzing with posts about them being proud of being family, of being there for each other, of how they had done this together.
I never saw my half siblings after that first time, I could never understand how they could see me as being the person who threatened their family life; they could never understand how it wasn’t my fault I was brought up by adoring adoptive parents who may have told a lie or two about my start in life but thought they were doing the right thing.
Can anyone be blamed for this? I blame my great grandmother who was willing to push aside her grandchildren and great grandchildren to conceal the family secret. At the time I thought this was a single fault and perhaps her motives were good but as I found out more about my family, I realised this was her modus operandi. She had committed bigamy in her second marriage and hidden her husband’s first family to conceal this; she had managed to hide many other people and facts that did not fit in with her idea of an ideal family; she had told me and other family members outrageous lies about her parents, her siblings, her husbands and her children.
I’m looking for my father and his family now but I don’t have illusions about happy family reunions, after all these lies about my life, I would now be happy with just knowing who I am and where I am from. I don’t need once upon a times or happy ever afters, just a start, middle and end of the story will do for me.
I’m sorry this has been so hard for you, and hope you get the information and closure you deserve.